I'm An Anti-Aging Medicine Specialist

I know many doctors out there claim to specialize in anti-aging medicine.  However, I am the only one that really follows through on the promise.  After years of research and study, I'm pleased to finally be able to offer this tried and true, fail-safe method.  Relatively painless, zero side effects and a benefit you will notice immediately!  What is this anti-aging panacea?! 

NO GIMMICKS!  JUST REAL RESULTS, REAL FAST!
We now offer beheadings!  This simple, in-office procedure requires no anaesthesia and is 100% guaranteed to work in one treatment or your second treatment is free.  It will not take more than 2.  Sure, we could've gone with gunshots, but a disturbingly high percentage of people continued to age after the treatment so we decided to stick with what works.

Now I know that many of you are wondering about what you can do in terms of lifestyle to stop the effects of aging.  The recommendations may come as a surprise but we have a program scientifically proven to stimulate a brief increase in aging, which, based on the homeopathic concept of "like cures like", actually results in slowing it down and eventually stops it altogether. 

"WHAT IS THIS AMAZING PROGRAM?!" you ask?

Well, it is a combination of many simple lifestyle decisions that many of you may already be doing!  This familiarity makes the program very accessible for almost everyone and compliance is simply too good to be true.  It's so easy to follow, you'll have more difficulty believing that it is doctor recommended and approved than staying on it!  In fact, this is probably the only lifestyle change I can confidently predict will be truly lifelong.

OK!  HERE IT IS:

1. Eat a diet high in sugar and starch, loaded with anonymous chemicals and fillers. 
2. If it doesn't come in a box, a carton, a can or a package, DO NOT EAT IT!
3. Spend your waking hours as still as possible.  The less you move, the faster you get there... now how cool is that?!
4. Smoke and drink as much as you can, the more you do, the faster the program works.  Throw in other recreational drugs for added benefit. 
5. Take a minimum of 3 prescription medications and mix freely with whatever you can get over the counter.  Don't tell your doctor, s/he'll just try to make sure they don't adversely interact and that'll slow you down.

Now what could be simpler than that?!

Whether you're in it for the long hall, or want to start experiencing age-free existence today; We have the right plan for you.  If you can find a more effective, easier, anti-aging program anywhere, we'll give you your money back!